Crossword Complexities
by Bird That Flies At Dawn
Summary: The Denali Clan decides to go on a little trip, but their trip to the beach doesn't just go wrong. It goes global. CRACKFIC
1. Chapter 1

**AN: Okay, so I know I have another crackfic going on right now, but I wanted to start another one since Targeting Target has gotten so far. This one's focused mostly on the Denali clan though (I'm pretty sure the Cullens will have their chance in this story too (kinda)).**

**For those of you who have read my crackfics before, you know how I update. For those that haven't, my chapters are usually about two hundred words (this one is longer), and they come every single day. On some occasions I post double chapters (like chapter ten, 100 reviews, etc.)**

**P.S. This is set after Breaking Dawn.**

**On with the story!**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Twilight, and I am not making any money form this fanfiction (obviously).**

**Garrett POV**

"I got the eggs!" I shouted, slamming the door behind me.

"Why exactly?" Kate asked, raising her eye brow in question.

"Uh…" I stared at the grocery bag before throwing it behind me, successfully ruining another family portrait. "I don't know."

"GARRETT!" Carmen shrieked.

"Yes, Carmen?" I asked, spinning on my heel to face her.

"YOU—I—I—THAT WAS PAINTED BY ME YOU STUPID—AHHHHHH!" she screamed, picking up the nearest vase and throwing it at me.

"I'm pretty sure that was a collectible," I said, pointing to its broken pieces which now laid on the floor. May they rest in peace. Or pie. Pie's good.

She let out another shriek, running out into the hallway. Great, she was probably going to tell Kate.

Tanya walked into the room, nearly being knocked over as Carmen reentered with Kate at her side.

"Guys!" Tanya screamed. "I was standing here."

Carmen and Kate glanced back at her before both yelling at me at the same time. The way they did it was creepy…like they were the same person or something…huh…

"Whoa, whoa!" I interrupted, holding my hands out in front of me. "Let the woman talk."

"Did you ruin another family portrait?" Eleazar asked, coming to stand next to me. "That's like the fortieth one."

"Not helping," I hissed.

"Anyway," Tanya said, "I was thinking about going to the beach."

Yes, even though we live in Alaska, we go to the beach. It's kind of a problem.

"Only if I can bring my knives," Kate replied at the same time Carmen questioned, "Will there be cell phone service?"

"Um…I don't know about cell service, and what the heck, Kate? Kinda crazy."

"I like them that way," I mumbled, making her giggle. Success, she laughed! "So we're going to the beach?"

Everyone glanced around before nodding in confirmation.

Okay, so I guess we're going to the beach.


	2. Chapter 2

**Garrett POV**

"Kate, quit with the excessive weapon talk," Tanya scolded, turning around to glare at my mate. Currently, Tanya was in the front passenger seat, and Kate was in the middle back seat.

"Don't talk about my babies," Kate hissed, holding her knives closer to her body.

"Will you guys be quiet!" Carmen screamed. "I am trying to talk on the phone."

"Who are you talking to?" I asked, holding back the urge to add 'this time.'

"Rosalie," she answered cheerily, smiling brightly.

Rosalie? She was talking to the snappy blonde girl? She was family, but I didn't think she'd be one for a random phone call. Yeah, that was the day. Carmen was way too addicted to her cell phone. "Is there any reason you called her? Or did you just call her to call her?"

If looks could kill, I would be have been knocked out cold, impaled with one of Kate's knives (even though that wasn't possible), and thrown into the Earth's core where I would have burst into flames. Yes, that's how cold that one glance was. Note to self, do not get on Carmen's bad side.

"We're almost there," Eleazar announced from the driver's seat.

"Finally," Tanya murmured as Kate began to start up her conversation about her various knives again.

Well, this trip to the beach was certainly going to be…interesting.


	3. Chapter 3

**Kate POV**

Everyone got out of the car, and for some reason Carmen was still on her cell phone. What did she even have left to talk about?

I grabbed my briefcase of knives—yes, briefcase. It seems very professional—and followed them.

"Kate, are you seriously bringing your knives?" Garrett asked.

"DON'T DISRESPECT MY KNIVES!" I shrieked, holding them closer to me. "They've got feelings."

"I'm sure they do, Kate. I'm sure they do," he mumbled, walking toward the water.

"It's alright," I whispered to my knives. "I understand that you have feelings."

"Of course we do," they answered.

With that I closed the car door and skipped after my…whatever he was to me.

"Huh, pie," he murmured out of nowhere.

"Only crazy people talk to themselves," my knives told me.

"Oh no!" I said. "What are we going to do!?"

"We can't let crazy people live," they informed me. "We'll have to kill Garrett off."

"But I don't want to kill, Garrett," I argued.

"We can't let him live," they repeated quietly.

I stroked the briefcase and with a sigh I gave in. "Alright. Alright. There's only one person I can get advice from on this matter. I'll have to call…Alice Cullen."


	4. Chapter 4

**Garrett POV**

"Tanya, are you wearing a bikini? Seriously?"

"Uh, yeah. It's not like the temperature is going to affect us," she said.

"Yeah, but what if someone sees you?" I argued. I mean, it was the middle of Alaska. People would get suspicious if random girls were jumping around in barely any clothing and remained unfrozen.

"Nobody's gonna see me," she told me, pointing around us. "This beach is absolutely deserted."

"Yeah, well what if they do see you?" I asked.

She laughed maniacally, raising her finger claws into the air. "Well then, Garrett, I'll come up with a plan. If someone sees me, then I'll just have to take them out."

I stared at her for a moment before nodding. "Yeah, but make sure when they wake up it's in a town or something. Say they tripped and passed out."

"Yeah, but I won't have to because no one is going to see me," she snapped, diving into the water.

I sighed but didn't go in after her to argue any more. No matter what I did she just wouldn't see logic.

"Hey, Garrett!"

I turned around before narrowly dodging Kate.

"Hey, what are you doing?!" I shrieked, standing up.

She glanced down at her briefcase before looking back up at me. "Nothing…nothing at all."


	5. Chapter 5

**Alice POV**

Something was ringing, and it was getting very annoying. I tried to ignore it, but it was just waaaaaaay too irritating. "WHAT IS THAT RINGING?!"

"It's your phone, Alice," Jasper said as he passed me to go outside.

"Oh yeah…" I murmured. I forgot about that.

I answered my phone, bringing it to my ear casually. "Hello?"

"OMG I NEED HELP!"

I pulled the phone away from my head, wincing as Kate kept screaming. "SHUT UP ALREADY! I'M GONNA GO DEAF!"

"Oh, sorry," Kate said.

"It's fine," I told her. "So what's the problem?"

"So I was talking to my knives, and they told me that I have to kill Garrett because he talks to himself. Only crazy people talk to themselves," Kate explained.

I thought about it, and then agreed, "Well that does seem to be a dilemma, but your knives are right. You can't let a crazy person live." I glanced around sneakily, trying to make my next sentence as private as possible, "They could pass on the crazy if you don't."

"I didn't know it was contagious!" Kate exclaimed.

"It is," I confirmed. "It is very, very contagious."

With determination lacing her voice, Kate announced, "Then I must exterminate him."


	6. Chapter 6

**AN: I have a few things to talk about in this AN. If you read Targeting Target, then you can just skip this.**

**My little brother made a fanfiction account. You guys should check it out! His username is SpiderSpock.**

**I made a new community. It's called Twisted Twilight. You guys should go look at it. **

**I need some help finding stories where Bella isn't a human or a vampire. I absolutely love them, and I'd like to read more. If you know of any, please message me or tell me in a review.**

**I also made a new story. It's called Can an Animal Love? It's a Twilight/Pokémon crossover.**

**As always, please review! Thanks for all of the favorites, follows, views, and reviews so far!**

**Eleazar POV**

We live in a world, a world full of horror. I have had to face fears more terrible than Emmett at a wrestling match, things more terrible than Alice without a credit card. Even things more terrible than Jacob bra shopping. Yes, more terrible than that. It is surprising that I even survived after experiencing such frightening events. If there is anything I have learned, it is that I am terrible at math. And spelling. And grammar. And Spanish. Si? No. Yo soy stupido.

Some of the things that I've had to see include moldy bread, an albino llama, and a clone of Joan Rivers. After almost being blinded by these, I considered ending it all, but then I found inspiration. It was an inspiration unlike any other, a life changing, mind blowing, semi-automatic inspiration with a sweet aftertaste. I am positive that this inspiration saved my life, and without it, I would have turned into another druggie Disney failure. Yes, this inspiration was the most important thing that ever happened to me. This inspiration came to me in an unexpected form, the form of dance.

Yes, I, Eleazar, am a famous ballerina. Yeah, what now? BAM BITCH!


	7. Chapter 7

**Alice POV**

I couldn't possibly leave Kate to exterminate Garrett on her own, so I began packing.

"Um, Alice, what are you doing?" Jasper asked, watching as I ran back and forth from my closet to my suitcase.

"I'm getting packed so that I can fly to Denali. That's where I'm going to find Kate and help her exterminate a crazy man who talks to knives. His disease is very contagious, and we can't let anyone else be infected by his crazy. That's like letting one fish give your other fish the ick. You just don't do that," I explained.

"Uh…." he mumbled. "Okay then?"

"Whoa!" I said, holding my hand up in front of his face. "No need for the sassafras, mister."

"Sassafras?" he asked.

"Don't pretend you don't know," I said, snapping a few times for emphasis. Yeah, now I'd give him the sassafras.

"But I really—"

"Nope, don't wanna hear it," I interrupted, spinning back around to zip up my suitcase.

"Should I come, Alice?"

I contemplated that before facing him. "Can you swear allegiance to the fight against the disease of crazy?"

"…..yes…?"

I smiled broadly, jumping at him. "Of course then! Alaska here we come!"


End file.
